After You'd Gone by Maggie O'Farrell

Author:Maggie O'Farrell
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub, pdf
ISBN: 9780142000328
Publisher: Penguin Books
Published: 2002-02-26T00:00:00+00:00

She strokes his hair. ‘I bought it today. I was so worried about you I had to go shopping. How was it? Do you want to tell me now or later?’

‘We-ell,’ he says slowly, and she gets the feeling he is keeping his face buried in her stomach so that he doesn’t have to look at her, ‘it was no worse than I thought it would be.’ ‘That bad, eh?’

He nods, ‘Yes. Just about.’

‘John, I’m sorry.’

His arms around her tighten. She lets her fingers stray through his hair.

‘Alice,’ he says, ‘you’ve got to learn that none of this is your fault. You do know that, don’t you?’

‘I suppose so, but I can’t help feeling responsible, can I? I mean, if it weren’t for me—’

‘He’ll come round,’ he interrupts, ‘once he’s had a few days to think about it.’

They’re both silent for a moment. Alice cannot bear to see him crushed and hurt like this, and feels incensed. ‘But what did he say? Does he hate me?’

‘Of course he doesn’t hate you. He’s going to love you.’ ‘We’re going to meet?’ she says to the top of his head, alarmed.

‘Well, yes, one day. Not yet, maybe. But when he’s got more used to the idea, I’ll take you to meet him. He’ll love you when he knows you.’ He sounds grim, determined to convince himself.

‘But what did he say?’ she persisted.

‘You don’t really want to know.’

‘Oh.’

She pulls away from him, walks to the back window and looks out into the garden, twining and twisting her fingers. It is beginning to get dark and the trees are being tossed by the wind. The reflection in the window has projected the room into the cold, dark garden. Everything is reversed and in it John is looking at her over the back of the sofa.

‘Alice?’

‘Yes?’ She doesn’t turn round, watching him instead in the reflection.

‘Talk to me, please. Don’t go silent on me. Tell me what you’re thinking.’

She shrugs, as if to free herself of a stiffness in her neck. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know.’

‘What don’t you know?’

‘I don’t know ... I don’t know if I like not knowing what he said.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well . . .’ Alice wonders what she does mean. She feels unbelievably confused, her thoughts all whirled in a tangle. ‘I suppose I mean ... I find it astonishing that it matters to him so much, but how can I ever hope to understand it if you won’t tell me?’

He doesn’t reply straight away. She sees from the reflection that he sits on the sofa for a few seconds then he stands and comes across the room, slipping slightly in his socks on the bare boards. He takes her firmly by the shoulders and turns her round to face him. ‘Alice, I . . .’ Then he stops. He smooths his palm over her forehead, then rests it in the curve of her neck. ‘It’s difficult to explain,’ he says, in a lower tone of voice. ‘To tell you what he said might be .

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